How to Get Colbert

To: Bill O'Reilly, Fox News
Re: The Threat of Stephen Colbert

As a patriotic American I'm sure you are as concerned as I am by the alarming news that the treacherous Stephen Colbert, of the phony news show The Colbert Report, has been paid a massive sum to write a book. I imagine that, just as his show slanders and cruelly satirizes your person on a daily basis, his book will only be more of the same. There is only one solution to this problem, and when you hear it, I'm sure you will adopt it immediately. Since Colbert's reputation is parasitical upon your own, his money and his supporters would soon dry up if you yourself were to resign from your position at Fox News. Therefore, I am suggesting, as a pre-emptive strike upon Colbert that you fire yourself and stop appearing on television forever. Sir, the nation depends on you in its hour of need.